Are you a young adult in Chicago, fresh out of college (maybe from University of Chicago, Loyola University, or even Northwestern University) and now you’ve been flung into the workforce, and you really need to say no to a coworker or boss?
Let’s imagine together:
You are about to close your shift for the night when your new co-worker, Ken, asks for help with the software your company just launched. You smile and say sure! Then, he asks you to stay late to prepare for tomorrow’s quarterly meeting. You are a team player and agree because he is nice and you're anxious about the meeting anyway.
Say he starts asking you for help everyday now just as you’re about to clock out.
Ken says, “I didn’t want to bother you earlier when you were working. You have been so kind and helpful to me. Can you show me how to access the data from this week’s quarterly meeting?”
You nod and walk him through it. You remember your training since it was recent as well. Everything was so confusing and it was nice when the staff helped you out. You are leaving 15 minutes later though and you are consistently missing your bus home, the one that doesn’t run as often. You are getting home later and rushing to get dinner together. Now when you see Ken you start to get annoyed and feel guilty because you know he is new and isn’t intentionally being difficult. It’s hard to say no sometimes, especially when it’s work-related.
Saying No Can Expand Your Window of Tolerance - What’s Yours?
(Here’s a relevant article from Psychology Today that gives more tips!)
Some days we have the energy for this. We do nice things for people because we want to, we like them, it’s the right thing to do, and it feels good. There is nothing wrong with that. We are wired as human beings to connect with each other. We have learned that supporting each other is essential to our livelihood. When we are in our Window of Tolerance, we can manage stress because we are in an optimal zone physiologically to respond. When we are outside of our Window, we are overstimulated and reactive or numb and withdrawn. Everyone’s window is different and it’s important to know where that limit is.
Hyperarousal: A response to a low window of tolerance
Let’s talk about what hyperarousal really looks like. You may start ruminating over what you should have said to your coworker. You feel flush and angry. You are rushing through your work and making mistakes. Your tolerance levels have gone down, your window is smaller.
You might experience:
Fight or flight response activated
Rapid heart rate
Trouble focusing
Anxiety
Racing thoughts
Irritability
Optimal Window of Tolerance:
When we’re INSIDE of our window, we feel great! This is our healthy state. We can take on the stress, and this is obviously the “optimal” space to be for your mind when handling saying No to someone.
Executive functioning intact - can problem solve
Flexible thinking, open-mindedness
Hypoarousal: The flip side to Hyperarousal
Sometimes we respond in a different way. The opposite of hyperarousal is when we shut down, or hypoarousal. This is when you’re laying in bed, can’t get up, feeling drained, and all you want to do is doomscroll. This is also not a good place to be when confronting having to say no, because you lack the energy to make that decision.
Emotional unavailability
Dissociating
Isolating
Numb
Some days we don’t have the capacity to help but we still smile and help out. Internally there’s a heavy sigh or feelings of resentment start to creep up. That’s when we really need to learn how to say no.
Not Now, Later: A Softer Approach to Say No
Ken here is not necessarily the bad guy. He’s asking for help after all, even if he could time it better.
Here are some tips for a softer no you can use:
Adding a time clarifyer. Tell the person that you need to get back to them at a different time, this time when it’s most convenient for you.
You can kindly let him know you have availability in the mornings before team meetings. That’s not a Hard No; it’s a “not now, later.” People that struggle with the Hard No love this approach because it still gives the opportunity to help but at a more convenient time. The Hard No means saying, “No, I can’t. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Navigating work politics can be annoying, but your job description never included managing new hires.
Redirect to a better suited person. You may not be the best person! Redirect to someone more experienced or knowledgeable, and phrase it so that you can learn, too!
You can redirect Ken to your boss or encourage Ken to ask questions during team meetings instead.
Block your schedule appropriately. Depending on your job, you can block out designated times for administrative tasks, meetings, breaks, etc.
You can remind Ken you have an admin break at the end of your day specifically for emails only. He can email you his questions earlier in the day and you can respond at your scheduled time.
Some of these approaches may be easier than others and depending on your job it may not always be feasible. However, there is a way to be respectful and professional but also direct. The sooner we learn how to advocate for ourselves the easier it is to implement in all areas of our lives. Maybe this is easier to practice with family members or your intrusive roommate than your place of work, but you gotta start somewhere.
When we have learned that people-pleasing makes us more likable we become more accessible to other people’s time and demands.
Just because you are available does not mean you are free.
Ready to learn more?
Reach out today as I focus on young adult & teen therapy as well as overachievers in the workplace.
